Becky Says...

August 15, 2000

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Making Ready

One thing that's true of me when I'm grieving about something is that I start cleaning. Not just things that might be needed---like clothes---but anything that seems the remotest bit in need of being put in good order.

I think this is my way of trying to make sure that there is order in the midst of chaos. It gives me some tiny control over the uncontrollable.

But today I was too busy doing other things to do much cleaning. I did some packing, to go home and be with my family. But I had some work to finish, and some personal stuff that needed dealing with---come to think of it, that was all its own sort of cleaning.

In the middle of everything, I thought about my aunt, and a funeral she missed---my dad's. She was taking care of me instead. I remember that day and remember her being an island of calm in the middle of all that was so confusing.

Tonight, there's part of me that's not quite four years old.

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Thanks to all for the notes, thoughts, and prayers. They are deeply appreciated.

Text copyright 2000 Becky