January 2006

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Communication
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As I mentioned yesterday, I thought a lot this weekend about grief. No, there is no new source of grief in my life. I happened to read some powerful things on the subject by someone who is in the midst of his own grief just now, after the death of a life partner.

When I wrote to him, I told him his words sounded familiar. I meant by that, of course, that his words were from the universal language of grief, and I recognized the pain.

Something he wrote reminded me of the time a few years ago when the subject came up of what to say to a grieving person. I'm going to amend what I said just a little. I wrote at the time that it really wasn't necessary to say anything beyond, "I'm sorry." The amendment is that it's often better to stop there.

Sometimes the most well-meaning people put their feet firmly in their mouths when faced with a grieving person. They don't understand the nature of the pain. They try to come up with something to make the grieving person wipe away the tears and be happier. They try to treat the grieving one as though a bottle of milk and a pacifier will solve the whole thing.

What they don't seem to realize is that's insulting, and demeaning to the person who has suffered the loss. It's also demeaning to the memory of the person who has died.

If you see yourself in what I've just written, don't worry. I can almost guarantee that your good intentions were recognized. But please, if all you can think of to say is something to the effect that it's time to stop grieving, don't speak. A hand clasp or a hug will be more supportive.

And look the grieving one in the eye. Perhaps then you can find within yourself the strength to stop talking after saying, "I'm sorry."