May 2005

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To commemorate this Friday the Thirteenth of May, I'm going to tell you a tale of a businessman and an Administrative Assistant. Their names are omitted.

The businessman was apparently attempting to commit Suicide by Administrative Assistant. That's the only reason the Admin could think of for the businessman to have had a need to send out a five-sheet-plus-return-envelope mailing to twenty-some people this particular day. This would be a day when the receptionist had left early and the other support staff person was out for an appointment.

So this mailing was presented to the Admin. That would be the Admin who not only had no idea the damned thing was coming at her (thus had other work planned for the last of the day), but was handed the mailing to fold and stuff twenty-five minutes before the mail was to be collected.

The businessman had clients coming in at the same exact time the stuffing of the mailing had to be started, so of course was unavailable to help with the mailing. The Admin, who was also functioning as receptionist at that time, greeted the clients and got them settled in the conference room. She then sat down with her stacks of paper and envelopes and set to work.

At about Minute 18 she realized she needed to stop and apply the postage to the first batch of the mailing. She picked up the stack of sealed envelopes and ran them through the postage meter, hearing the satisfying thunk and grinning her most evil grin as she took pleasure in the heavy sound.

She then grabbed a totebag and took the first batch to the mailbox. She came back to the desk and finished stuffing the last of the envelopes, ran them through the postage meter, and took them out to be picked up the next day.

It was then that she realized what the businessman's plan had been. The businessman must have been under enormous pressure of some sort if he thought that death by paper cut was the right answer.

But the Admin, having realized that if she paper-cut him to death she would also have to clean the carpet before she could leave for the day, decided to exact her revenge on him for putting her through this. She left him alive, to find some other solution to his problems. It was the meanest thing she could think to do.