Becky Says...

January 2005

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Of Faith and Life and Death - January 26

When I sat down to write, I was going to tell you about grocery shopping and other things that made up today. But I just can't do it. Tonight, my faith is on my mind, as are life and death. If these things will offend you, please don't bother to read on. Come back tomorrow or the next day.

What's predominantly on my mind tonight is a suicide. A local pastor killed himself last Thursday, but I didn't learn of it until I happened to read the online version of the local newspaper this afternoon. I didn't know him or anyone in his family. I don't know that I know anyone in his congregation. But I join them, from the side, in mourning the loss. For those whose lives were most closely affected by this pastor's act, may their faith remain strong in the face of death.

The news article, which was coverage of his funeral, was gently written, and consisted mainly of quotes from clergy participating in the service as well as parishioners. It brought home again to me a point I've known all my life---that clergy are human beings. They are subject to the same demons of depression, the same lack of faith that things will ever get better, the same questioning of the existence of God as the rest of us---the same inability to find even a hint of God in the midst. The same inability to find an answer to whatever was troubling them.

I suspect for each of us there have been moments when it would be quite easy to die, at least in the passive sense of if Death arrived we wouldn't put up much argument. I know there have been such moments in my life. I don't often talk about them, because I don't have some wonderful, redeeming story to tell of how I got past them. Truth is, the moment passed, and all that really happened was time passed. And for some reason, probably more curiosity than anything else, life was worth sticking around to see the next act; to participate in it.

For the record, there has only been one time when I wanted to end my own life. It passed fairly quickly, and without attempt. The details will remain private.

I do not believe that people who commit suicide are automatically sent to Hell, by the way. The God in whom I believe is a merciful One, who understands pain and who has the final authority to comfort the afflicted. I don't have answers to why for some that comfort cannot be had in this life; why antidepressants don't help, or why other problems persist. I just happen to have faith that those who make the determination that life needs ending find on the other side a merciful God.

For the man who died last week, for the people in my own life and all others who have committed suicide, I hate that the peace they sought was elusive in this life. For the rest of us, I'm glad we have stayed the self-executing and found some reason to stick around. May we all have the strength to continue to keep going, until the natural end of our days.

Text © copyright 2000-2005 Becky