January 2005

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The Hunger Site

Communication
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I knew it was not the best idea I've ever had, but I wanted to try, anyway. I made a call to a customer service department on a Monday. I know that's the busiest day in their week, but it was late afternoon and I had a few minutes.

I had placed an order last week for office supplies, and had mistakenly ordered the wrong size file sleeves. I realized this when the package arrived, and yes, I'm sure it was my error. I needed to arrange to have the wrong sleeves returned, and to order the correct-sized ones. This wasn't something I could do through the company's website (it's a national chain), thus the call.

So I got the right button pushed to get myself in line to speak to a human being, and settled in to wait a bit. The company has a nice hold system, in terms of polite interruptions to let you know you haven't been forgotten. I used the first bit before interruptions to get settled comfortably in my nice desk chair.

Interruption one came about two minutes into the hold. The nice recorded voice told me someone would be with me soon. I settled in for more waiting, with the telephone handset cradled against my left shoulder. I would have put the call on speaker, but we had clients in house and I didn't want to make anyone else listen to the music.

The second interruption, a couple of minutes later, informed me that Mr. Recorded Voice valued my business and appreciated my patience.

Interruption three, in another few minutes, informed me that in order to make my hold experience more pleasant, that would be the last time the recorded voice interrupted the music.

Which was a movie theme, but I have no idea which one. Lots of trumpet. And played in such a manner that it lasted about five minutes. Then it started again. Same theme. Trumpet, lots of trumpet, playing in my good ear. So I switched the handset over to the other ear.

At which point I discovered there is a more remarkable difference between my good and bad ears than I had previously thought. Music that was on the too-loud end for my good ear was not loud enough to be really heard in the bad one. So the handset went back to the other ear. Just in case I needed to hear a voice.

No voices, just more trumpet. My ear was getting tired. And my neck was getting tired. I am clearly out of practice with long telephone conversations where the handset stays cradled on my shoulder.

While I was waiting, I pondered the great mysteries of life, such as what was that damned song, anyway? And why did my left index fingernail not have enough polish on it? And how much wood would a woodchuck chuck...and by the way, would wood-chucking make noise in the forest if no one was there?

Finally, as the trumpet sounded beginning the third run-through of the movie theme, I decided that before I had the mystery piece completely memorized I should just hang up and try again another day.

If I get the same hold music, I'm planning to use the customer service e-mail address to ask for the title.