Becky Says...

October 2003

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October 20

Something I haven't addressed here is children. I've said I like them, but I haven't gone into depth about how much I would have loved to have had them. I would have. Prince Charming and I were planning on having children. We already knew what their names would be---and their nicknames. But he left; there has been no other princely arrival; there are no children.

And sometimes I actively grieve over that. I have a lot of love in me. I wish it had an obvious recipient, like a child of my very own. Instead, I've channeled it, over the years. Sometimes I realize I'm handing out good, sound motherly advice. (Other times I realize I'm saying things like, "Eating a balanced diet means not just the red candies. You need to add some other colors!")

There are moments I'm glad I'm not parentally responsible. For instance, I realize it was infinitely easier to take care of my mother through her final years because there wasn't a family waiting for me to hurry back to it.

All in all, though, I wish I were someone's mother. I wish there were someone who relied on me the way I see other children relying on their parents. I wish there had been someone who needed constantly to hold my hand on the way across streets. I wish mine was the lap some forlorn little person crawled into for comfort.

Yes, I know there's a hell of a lot more to being a parent than that. I also wish someone needed me for all those other responsibilities.

If you wonder why I never adopted or availed myself of a nearby sperm bank, the main reason is finances. The other, tiny little reason is a bit of fear that I wouldn't be very good at single parenting, but I knew there were lots of resources to help with that. So the biggie was lack of money.

There's not really a good ending point for this. In my world, envy means I wish I had one, too. Using that definition, I'll say if you have children, I envy you.

Text © copyright 2000-2003 Becky