Becky Says...

October 2003

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October 8

It's always dangerous to make a list like the one I'm making, of people who have inspired me. These are by no means the only ones; I've mentioned others in the past and will no doubt find more to add in the future. Take no offense if you're not on the list.

That being said, these five writers --- Patrick, David, Selila, Christina, and Peter --- put me to shame. All of them, in their own ways, put so very much of themselves into what they write. Their daily ups and downs, the big things, the little ones that could get big, their triumphs, and their tragedies. They give details.

And I haven't. I have held back from telling you all sorts of things about myself, at least in part because I haven't wanted to invite comment. I haven't wanted to get into deep discussions about my bad back. I haven't wanted to talk to all the world about the not-pleasant side of being my mother's child. I have barely said much at all about sex. I haven't (and can't, for confidentiality reasons) mentioned much about work. And I haven't told you anything about my own bouts of depression.

But all those things are true of me. And I'm thinking it's time I said so, out loud. I'm going to be fifty years old in a little over a month. It's time I stopped worrying about what the neighbors might think, and allowed myself to be more open. I plan to enjoy the hell out of the rest of my life. And perhaps some of this will benefit someone else. So, with gratitude to those mentioned, I'm going to tell you some things.

I have a really, really bad lower back. I have had such since I was 16. It's the leftover from a bad fall ---- from which I still have two scarred knees, by the way. I also have a bad knee, that has its roots in an earlier fall. But it's the back that's usually the real source of pain in my life.

I already know how to deal with it; what medications work and what don't; what exercises may or may not ease things; what support items (pillows, chairs, braces, etc.) do me any good. Same is true for the knee.

The not-pleasant side of being my mother's child? She had a really nasty temper and didn't do a good job of toning it down in private. She also never could hold her liquor, but it took her years and years to realize that and admit it---and God help you if you called her an alcoholic. She could tell you every flaw there is to tell about me --- and occasionally did just that in public. Complete with exaggerations! But she was my mother (and my friend most of the time), the pleasant outweighed the not-pleasant, and I love her still.

Sex? Yes, I've had it, and enjoyed it quite a lot, thanks. It's been a while, but I plan to remedy that in the not-too-distant future. It's taken me forever to get to a point where I can separate sex and long-term loving relationships. I still think sex in a long-term context would be a wonderful thing, but it's not happening for me, and may not. So I'm allowing myself some freedom in that area.

Work? Confidential. Fascinating many days, and I meant what I said about it a while back: the law firm is the most spiritually satisfying place I've ever worked. The firm calls on me to do things I'm damned good at. And they not only pay me for doing these things, they say thank you. Freelance stuff? I love doing much of it, especially the crafts stuff and the online research.

And depression? Yes, of the situational variety. Hits at least once a year, and sometimes is just crashingly deep. Yes, I know how to deal with it, no, I'm not suicidal, and please don't try to guess when it hits. Admitting this one to myself was one of the best things I've ever done. Admitting it to other people breaks down walls.

So there you have some more insight into the person who says. You may feel free to comment, or to refrain from commenting, as you see fit. Want to ask questions? Okay, but if I'm not comfortable answering I'm going to say so.

And my own comment? Good for me!

Text copyright 2000-2004 Becky