Becky Says...

May 2003

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May 27

There are things I detest with a white-hot passion. One of those is head games. You know---when someone is trying to either make you angry or otherwise act out of character, especially in a situation where you'll look like an ass if you give in to the anger or otherwise act inappropriately.

A fool tried to play head games with me today. I am a lot of things, but stupid is not among them. I recognized the games as they started. I did not let her get too far under my skin. I will, however, let her wind up looking like an ass. And based on one of the games she tried today, she will. Probably by lunchtime tomorrow.

Shifting subjects here. I have been doing some heavy-duty looking into myself in the last month or so. Some of this has been brought on by being bitterly disappointed by a change of someone else's plans that will affect my summer plans. I was surprised at the depth of the bitterness. When I had to address the plan change to the someone, I had to choose my words very, very carefully, because even at the early stages I realized the bitterness was not strictly about that person's changing plans.

I finally realized that the bitterness had its roots in fear. Fear of loss, fear of time passing, fear of abandonment, pick one or all of the above. The plan-change was altogether too similar to one that signaled a really unpleasant change in another friendship a few years back, and in the same way the sugar-free versions can taste the same as the full-sugared ones, this felt just like that.

And of course, it's not just like that, any more than I am Wendy, sound alike though we do.

I'm glad I figured out what was going on in my own mind, and managed to separate the two incidents into their unique components. The bitterness is gone, and the good feelings I had toward the someone are back in their rightful place. And I learned a lot about myself going through the process.

Not to worry; I will remember what I've learned. I do not want to have to repeat that lesson.