August 2002

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Communication
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Have you ever had one of those conversations with someone where you knew they weren't paying any attention to what you said?

As an example, a few years ago, someone in a helping profession called me when he needed a favor. He began the conversation by asking how I was getting along. This was shortly after my mother had died, and the caller knew that.

Silly me, I thought he was really concerned, from the tone of his voice and from the fact that we hadn't spoken since my mother's funeral. So my reply of how it was rough going through grief came with the expectation from me that his response would be along the lines of, "I'm sorry, and I hope things will get better soon." That would have been what politeness required, never mind his training.

Instead, he said, "But you're all right." To which, since I wasn't in any imminent danger, I said I supposed I was. He then went on to ask the favor he wanted. Since all it involved was the use of something I owned for a service project that would benefit the community, I said yes. But it definitely colored my opinion of his listening skills.

I've been reminded of that encounter a couple of times recently, in conversations with two different people. Both asked questions, then blew by the answers (no, it wasn't "How are you?" in either case). I felt in both instances that I had wasted my time bothering to think of a reply.

My point here? If you don't want to know something, don't ask.