Becky Says...

March 2002

Current Entry
Previous Entry
Next Entry

Personal Sites
and Forums/Boards

The Hunger Site

Write to me

Subscribe with Bloglines

March 17

Close to three-and-a-half years ago, a friend hurt my feelings terribly. He cancelled some plans we had made to celebrate a special occasion, without letting me know in time to make alternate ones. It has taken me a while to be willing to write about it, even in private. But early today, I realized it was on my mind.

I finally realized it humiliated me. It made me feel stupid, and worthless. And I deserved better. This was someone whose thoughts mattered to me, at least at the time. It was someone I trusted. And it was someone who had never done such a thing before. Other plans we had made were carried out.

All of a sudden, though, phone calls and e-mails from him stopped. Those from me went unanswered. I finally realized the plans were off, without ever being told as much. In addition to being disappointed, I agonized over the whole thing. As is usual for me, I wondered if I had done something to make him angry. If I had, I would have apologized, and meant it. But I couldn't come up with any reason.

This was particularly embarrassing since it involved taking time off from work and making a trip. That meant other people knew about it; not just the two of us. The only saving grace was that since I had not had confirmation from him, I hadn't made trip reservations. At least I didn't lose money on top of pride.

Several months after the occasion, we finally spoke. He had no particular excuse for it, but did apologize. Because it was the polite thing to do, I accepted. I wondered at the time if he realized how bad it had hurt, but decided the friendship was more important than bitching even more about it.

He never did explain why he had abandoned me---and there's really no other word for it. Looking back, with so many unanswered questions, I can only assume he decided I was not worth whatever effort he thought he was being called on to put forth.

So I said, to him and to myself, I had forgiven him. But it turns out, I really haven't. I have forgiven the anger over the plan change, but I have not forgiven the humiliation. Maybe someday I can. It has colored everything between us a different tint since. And there hasn't been much interaction. I will keep in touch, but I still don't trust him not to hurt me again.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Beth has started a ring of journallers who plan to update daily for the rest of Lent. The ring is called "Saving Kymm's Soul," in honor of Kymm's pledge to give up reading journals for Lent. She'll need a handy list of archives to search as she celebrates Easter, and we thought we'd help her out. The list of ring members is here.

Text © copyright 2000-2002 Becky