December 2001

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I was just reminded of something about grief. In her comments on losing a nephew, Dee said (paraphrasing here) that even if you don't think of death as a permanent loss, it isn't the same. And she is, of course, right.

Because it isn't the soul of someone we miss. It's the expression of the soul. The physical manifestation of the presence. And I bet we all know that, but we need reminding sometimes. No matter what our theological leanings, it is meet and right to miss someone who is no longer with us physically.

Today has been a good day for me to be quiet and listen to myself think. I finally worked out what it is about the stuff I was proofreading yesterday that made me miss Mother, and that's okay now. It's been a miserably rainy day---cold and dark the whole time; the sort of day I'm likely to draw into myself. And the work I had to do at work kept me busy on one level, but allowed for being quiet and pondering on another. It was good.

December 9

Note to self: do not spend a Sunday afternoon proofreading something that makes you sad, especially not a cloudy Sunday when you're already on the verge of being sad. Especially do not take a break from said proofreading to read journals that have any potential for sadness-provoking content.

That's right, I broke a personal rule and did client work this afternoon. The thing I was proofreading ordinarily wouldn't, on its own, make me sad. But it did today. It had to do with educational resources, and that made me miss my teacher-mother. I took a break and read journals, some mentioning Christmas, and that made me miss her more. So all in all, it was a bad idea. Even if I will get paid for it.

It would be an understatement to say I'm not looking forward to Christmas this year. I already know I won't be with some of the people I want to be with, because they'll be out of town. I haven't decided whether or not I'll head to my hometown, but I'm leaning toward "not," especially since half of my tradition for the day won't be around.

And for the record, I still hate fall. It is still a season of loss to me. The one thing that has made this one less bothersome than some of its predecessors is that the weather has stayed fairly warm. There have been some pleasant moments this fall, of course, but the season itself brings more thoughts of loss than anything else to me.

Before I make myself sad again, I think I'll go work more on the rattling socks. Don't tell anyone, but I'm enjoying hearing the rattle, too.