August 7, 2001

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The situation I wrote about on Friday, with the three dead teenagers, has taken a strange turn. The parents have been arrested and charged with two misdemeanors. You can see the story here. I am surprised at this. I am amazed that I first heard this might happen in a voice-over played while scenes from the funeral service were being shown on the news on Saturday. This just gets worse and worse.

Speaking of that entry, I'd like to thank Al for including it in this month's Lives On-Line. I have heard from quite a few people about that piece; people who have been somehow affected by an unexpected death.

My first experiences with news coverage that would not go away, and for that matter, with the "tsk, tsk" sentiments, came a long time back, when in an eighteen-month period two of my cousins committed suicide. They were siblings, and were their parents' only children, though both were adults with children of their own. Both of them were bipolar, and both chose rather public methods for their final acts. The sister jumped from a hotel balcony, and the brother shot himself at the police shooting range (he was an officer).

Perhaps the most horrific part of the first one is that the woman's daughter heard about the death and saw her mother's body being removed on the local news, without a name attached, since it was before the family had been notified. The second one happened much later in its day, but I happened to learn of it on the noon news the following day. My mother had just heard it from a family member, and was preparing to call me when the piece aired. That one had the name.

I remember being very strong during the first funeral, and going through the associated family gatherings without too terribly much of a sense of personal loss. For that one, my thoughts were mainly for those in the family who were closer to her than I had been. But the second one nearly did me in with grief. I had been much closer to the brother. I had relied on his wisdom in things like who to get to repair cars, and all sorts of other truly trivial things. It was a deeply personal loss to me. And one that still surfaces whenever I hear of a police officer's death.

I also remember the things I did during the time while waiting for the funeral. I cleaned house, whether things needed cleaning or didn't. I polished silver. I dusted baseboards. The floors were cleaned to within an inch of their shine. Because that's what I needed to do. It wouldn't make my cousin any less dead. It wouldn't bring me a replacement. But it was something I could do, without having to put much thought into it. It gave me some bit of comfort to be able to function, on any level.

And those same cleaning urges have hit me at other times when there was much to grieve about. It's almost a ritual with me. I didn't do much cleaning when my mother died, because I was so caught up in the events. But other significant deaths or losses of other sorts, have found me cleaning or polishing, mindlessly perhaps, but functioning. A mindless peace, if you will.

I hope these parents can find something to give them some mindless peace, too.

Do you have any mindless rituals that bring you peace? Come share them, if you'd like. You're welcome to post anonymously to this thread, using "[email protected]" for your e-mail address.