June 21, 2001
A Response in Kind
After doing some pondering, I've decided that a good way to deal with personal spam is to write a special response. I believe the next time I get something that annoys or offends me, I will send out this epistle from Beckyland:
Thank you so very much for the sentiment you recently sent to me and all the other people in your address book. I so very much appreciate your concern for my spiritual well-being. It was so thoughtful of you to pass along the sentiment expressed to you and the other twenty or so people by your dear friend who had received it ten minutes prior to your forwarding it to me.
I am at a point of spiritual flux at the moment, so your missive is particularly timely. I have been trying to decide which of several groups of true believers I wish to join. They seem to be very wary of each other, although I can't see why those who claim to be witnesses for Jehovah are so amazed at my wanting to learn more from those nice Mormon boys on the bicycles. But no matter, I have decided I won't be uniting with the Mormons after all, for they seemed to be taken completely aback at my most hospitable offer of coffee or tea.
The gist of your message seems to be that I must prove myself worthy of redemption by forwarding the exact message to others who need to be shown the true path according to the original sender. I had wondered how redemption-worthiness was proved; thank you so very much for the instruction on this.
And am I ever glad that you finally got e-mail and started sending things to me. Your most recent message told me I need to send it to fifteen friends. As it happens, I don't use e-mail to be in touch with my other friends any more; they have for some mysterious reason all started doing something known as "blocking" mail that comes to them from me. Several of them actually had the nerve to write and ask me to quit sharing with them the secrets of wealth and penis enlargement that I had thought they needed to hear about. I changed over to sending those people only messages having to do with online gambling and breast enlargement, but they apparently did not appreciate my efforts to keep their e-mail preferences in mind.
Oops, I got a little off-topic there! As I was saying, I'm glad you told me how many people needed to receive your thoughtfully-sent message in order for me to prove my redemption-worthiness. I have taken the liberty of using the first fifteen names in your e-mail list. I'm sure those wonderful folk won't mind if I consider them to be my friends, too! After all, if they're kind enough to be your friends, they're kind enough for me!
You also asked that I send the message back to you, so that you could know how much I care about you. And I wouldn't dream of leaving you off this list. Your most generous inclusion of me on this list has meant so much to me, I just can't put it into words. So I'm attaching a MIDI file of my favorite bird calls, done by various local school children in a talent show, in an attempt to express my appreciation.
Be sure you listen carefully for the call of the mockingbird.
Bye for now,