October 2005

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Communication
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The question was a simple one: "What do you want for your birthday?" And I managed to bite my tongue very hard to avoid blurting out the truth, because the person who asked really didn't deserve the lapful of pain. The truth is what I want is my life back, please.

In a series of circumstances still unfolding, way too much of what was true for me a little over six months ago is gone. Maybe permanently, maybe not. All I know is that I'm to the bone tired of how my life is going. I am tired of having to live my whole life between Monday and Friday, with those other two days a wasteland of being home recuperating from trying to cram all the rest into the five.

I'm tired of having to worry about whether or not I can see how to get home from the grocery store---which is going to mean yet another schedule change after the damned time change next weekend. I'm tired of having to plan so carefully for trips to the store, in terms of thinking how much I can carry and in terms of what bus leaves where when to get there from wherever.

I'm tired of grief. I'm tired of having to grieve. I'm tired of death. I'm tired of dealing with the daily sorrow of no Zoe to share lunchtime. I'm tired of having no car. I'm tired of being hit with one terrible thing to grieve over after the next, with no breathing room.

I'm truly tired of being at the mercy of the bus service. I'm tired of having to leave home an hour before I get to work. I'm tired of having to worry whether the bus on the way home from the office will be on time or will cause me to miss the connecting bus. I'm tired of not daring to wait for the next later bus from the office because if it's even a little late I'll be stuck downtown.

I'm tired of having to go so far out of my way to go to the branch of the bank where I got scared last week. I'm tired of not having had my beloved deli sandwich in over six months. I'm tired of broken plans and broken promises.

I'm also angry. Mainly I'm angry at myself for a couple of things I should have known to do differently that are making my life harder. I'm angry at people whose actions the last six months or so have made my life more challenging than it needed to be...most recently that damned bus driver who made me miss a bus while he wasted time on Friday.

I'm angry at whatever caused the bus to be late getting to me this afternoon (it wasn't the driver wasting time; it had to do with traffic), making me miss the connecting bus and have to stay out in the very cold wind for half an hour.

I'm angry that the moments I actually enjoy being alive are harder to find. I'm angry that the tiredness is making it difficult for me to see the blessings and joys I do have.

So what did I wind up saying to my friend in response to the question? Well, she followed up with a second part, about a specific thing which will be a welcome gift, and that's what I told her---that I liked her idea.

I also told her what I'll tell you and anyone else who wants to know: what I mainly want for my birthday is to have it acknowledged. That means two words, "Happy Birthday." Three if you want to add my name. To make it easier, I'll tell you now that my birthday is November 15.

Oh, and if you know who's in charge of such things, I'd really, really like my life back. Please.