April 2005

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I am not doing so well today. In fact, I had to use 99 percent of my energy to keep from having a total meltdown at the office. And the longer the day went on, the harder that was.

This is the day on which I have outlived my father. He was aged 51 years, five months, and one week when he died, of a heart attack around dinnertime. I'm at the same age point, plus several hours now. And much of the day I've been doing the sort of taking stock in which I keep coming up short. Very short.

Intellectually, I know that is useless. He was a different person in a different time, with things I'm sure he regretted. But emotionally, it's where I am right this minute, and it's a crappy place to be.

There have been some grace notes. A lawyer who is also friend of mine was in the office to meet with my crew, and when he asked me in all seriousness how I was, I told him. We wound up having quite a discussion of loss and grief and self-worth and being God's children. Two other friends have told me their stories about realizing they had hit the age when their parents had given birth to them.

But tonight, I miss my daddy. I'm tired and depressed. And I think that's about all I need to say.