January 2005

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I said yesterday that I liked epiphanies, even the ones where that which was made visible was an ugly truth. Good thing I already felt that way.

I had an epiphany of my own on Thursday. I discovered something useful but not pleasant at all, in terms of my response to feelings of anger; that I am terrified of my own anger.

This revelation of something that may have been obvious to everyone but me came when I was pondering something I had said to Patrick Thursday morning, that I avoided exploding in anger because it took something from my soul that I couldn't get back.

I wondered where in the depths of my brain that comment had come from. And then I remembered the one time in my life when my anger got completely out of my control.

I was eighteen, and the specific anger involved in the episode had been building for fourteen years. In its unleashing, it was frightening. I realized that yes, I did have within me the capability to commit murder.

No, I didn't kill anyone. But I am sure that I could have that night, as sure as I am of my name. And that's as much as I plan to say on the specifics.

Once I realized what had triggered my comment to Patrick, I mentioned it to Wendy, along with my realization that I was terrified of my own anger.

Wendy is a wise woman, who has known me many years. Her response to my comment of being terrified was quite simple: "I know."

After I got home from work, I wrote to Patrick, to tell him of the revelation and to thank him for his part in the enlightenment of Becky. As I told him, the journey continues.

I have thoroughly enjoyed participating again in Holidailies. My thanks to Jette and Chip for all their work in setting it up and maintaining it.