April 2004

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The bad mood I wrote about the other day was a precursor of an episode of depression. I suspected this might be the case when the mood stayed around, but it became much more obvious Thursday night, when I finally took time to sit down and think about it.

If you were one of the people who wrote to me this past week and asked how I was, you probably were told I was doing pretty well. And I was doing pretty well. I was coping. I wasn't fine, but I was doing pretty well.

Several people I know who write about being depressed say they think those depression entries are boring, or are afraid readers will be bored by them. As a reader, I think otherwise. I find it interesting how the experiences of this thing called depression differ from one person to the next. And how the experiences are similar. And, of course, how those experiences differ from or are similar to mine.

I do think it can be a little scary to read about someone else's depression, if you haven't had your own experience. And perhaps for the same reason, it can be a little off-putting, in that it's natural to want to read something you know enough about to follow---which is why I don't read a lot of entries about, say, underwater basketweaving.

One thing I can say, from trying to write this one, is that entries about depression can be hard to write. This one has been in the works for several days now. I'm writing it to elaborate on the mention I gave the subject last fall, and to put yet another face on what depression looks like. And there's also hope here---hope that the information will be of use to someone else.

So what is my experience? Usually, something triggers it and I wind up intensely sad and, often, angry. At its deepest, most crushing moments, I'm filled with a sense that nothing will ever be all right again. Yes, on an intellectual level I do know better. But knowing that and feeling the other way coexist for a time. Sometimes I weep. Sometimes the weeping doesn't come for a while. This particular episode didn't find me in tears until Thursday night. But those tears always help.

Since it's part of my personality to sit on anger until I'm sure I have something to really be angry about, one of the ways I can usually tell if I'm depressed, it turns out, is that the anger is harder to control. I told a friend Friday evening that I was depressed, and that although I knew it would pass, I was having to work hard to keep my polite face on. Since the friend knew what I meant, I didn't bother to add the part about how nobody deserved the verbal punching I was ready to deliver. But you may need that phrase tacked on for clarity.

Though I won't share it here, I know what triggered this episode of depression and the bad mood, for that matter---one and the same trigger. I'm not totally sure why they stayed around, although the headache mentioned in the entry about the bad mood, and the subsequent tiredness, definitely were contributing factors.

And yes, I am making a distinction between the bad mood and the episode of depression. Not all bad moods are precursors of depression for me; some are just bad moods. Neither are all times when I'm depressed preceded by a bad mood.

So has it passed, this episode? I think so. The worst of it was Thursday night. It was easing some on Friday, and has eased more over the weekend.

And I'm glad to feel it lifting.