May 2003

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Making me happy: I found out where the grocery store moved the jelly beans. I'm not sure what prompted my sweet tooth to go in that direction, but I've been wanting jelly beans when I've wanted something sweet for the last few weeks.

And I had to do some serious searching the other day to find any candy at the remodelling-in-progress store. But I'm persistent, and I found the right aisle. Making the find even better was that jelly beans were on sale.

Not making me happy: a person is about to miss an interview opportunity, for lack of getting in touch with me. And I'm saying it in public just because I'm a nice person who gives second chances, and I well know that sometimes messages go astray.

I'm suggesting that the interviewee needs to get in touch quite soon to avoid being dismissed as rude. I have no patience with rudeness, I have lots of connections, and I have an online journal. I'm just sayin'.

Yes, that's vague. Thank you for pointing it out to me.

May 27

There are things I detest with a white-hot passion. One of those is head games. You know---when someone is trying to either make you angry or otherwise act out of character, especially in a situation where you'll look like an ass if you give in to the anger or otherwise act inappropriately.

A fool tried to play head games with me today. I am a lot of things, but stupid is not among them. I recognized the games as they started. I did not let her get too far under my skin. I will, however, let her wind up looking like an ass. And based on one of the games she tried today, she will. Probably by lunchtime tomorrow.

Shifting subjects here. I have been doing some heavy-duty looking into myself in the last month or so. Some of this has been brought on by being bitterly disappointed by a change of someone else's plans that will affect my summer plans. I was surprised at the depth of the bitterness. When I had to address the plan change to the someone, I had to choose my words very, very carefully, because even at the early stages I realized the bitterness was not strictly about that person's changing plans.

I finally realized that the bitterness had its roots in fear. Fear of loss, fear of time passing, fear of abandonment, pick one or all of the above. The plan-change was altogether too similar to one that signaled a really unpleasant change in another friendship a few years back, and in the same way the sugar-free versions can taste the same as the full-sugared ones, this felt just like that.

And of course, it's not just like that, any more than I am Wendy, sound alike though we do.

I'm glad I figured out what was going on in my own mind, and managed to separate the two incidents into their unique components. The bitterness is gone, and the good feelings I had toward the someone are back in their rightful place. And I learned a lot about myself going through the process.

Not to worry; I will remember what I've learned. I do not want to have to repeat that lesson.

Text © copyright 2000-2003 Becky