March 2003

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March 4

This entry is here.

March 3 - Yes, you do.

If you're confronted with the death of someone you don't know well, please don't feel that you have no right to grieve. You do. It's a loss to you, isn't it? If you are moved to write a note, or send a card, or make a donation, or write a journal entry, do it. It doesn't really matter that the immediate survivors don't know you. Nor does it matter that your relationship with the deceased was perhaps only online. What matters is that you are acknowledging that their loved one had some sort of impact on your life. You may be surprised to know how much comfort it can bring to them.

I'm thinking back to the days shortly after my mother's death as I write this. If you don't think it mattered to me to hear from people who didn't know me, and didn't know my mother all that well (thus might not have thought they had any right to express grief), you're mistaken. Those cards and comments from some of her former students, and from parents of students, saying their lives had been touched by hers and they would miss her, meant the world to me.

Thinking about this topic brings up something else. I've heard a lot of people say recently that they didn't want people crying for them when they were gone. Even though I appreciate the notion that someone doesn't want to make me sad, well, I'm sorry, folks, I'm a crier. And if losing you prompts my tears to start, those tears are because I have lost someone precious. I am crying to soothe my own wounded soul.

One of my most beloved friends, knowing her health wasn't good, asked me not to cry when she died, saying that she hoped I'd know it meant she was in a better place and no longer ill. My response was to request the right to one good cry, to which she agreed. Since crying is unpredictable, I didn't tell her it would last three weeks. It was interspersed with moments of pure joy in remembering her, but it did last that long.

So mourn however you will. You do have the right.