Becky Says...

December 13, 2000

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Productive

I don't worry much about being productive. It isn't at all how I determine my self-worth.

That's not to say I slack on work, just that I don't feel guilty about having time off. I rarely ever have. A notable exception was the first day of the new semester at college after I had graduated two weeks earlier (at the end of a summer session). I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mother. We were drinking coffee, and enjoying the late morning. It would have been the first day of school for her, too, except she had retired from her teaching job a couple of months earlier.

We both felt a little guilty that morning---as though we should have been in school, or at least called someone to announce we wouldn't be there. I think we were both waiting for some truant officer to show up. We laughed when we talked about it. We realized, though, that we had finished what schooling we were supposed to deal with, and needn't feel guilty for enjoying the time off.

And I'm that way about any obligation. Once I'm through with it, I don't feel guilty for being done. I don't worry about not having anyting to do. For one thing, I'm not a person who gets bored in quiet time. I'm an only child and have lived alone a long time. Those two things have led me to learn all sorts of ways to fill my free time. Some of those may be productive, but some may not. And I just don't worry over it.

I need time in my life for contemplation. Time to think about things I'd like to do; time to think about whatever is on my mind. If what I wind up thinking about is perhaps a new project to crochet, that's nice. If what I wind up thinking about is how many angels dance on pinheads, that's nice, too.

Those are mental health breaks for me. I use them to clear the cobwebs from my brain.

So that when I need to be productive, I'm ready.

Text © copyright 2000 Becky